On April 13th, my little sister got married. Actually let me rephrase that. On April 13th, I had to speak in front 2-300 people.

I don’t consider myself a good public speaker. And anyone who was lucky enough to witness “the maid of honor train wreck speech of 2012” at the older sister’s wedding would probably agree. In fact, honestly I don’t consider myself a good public anything. Usually if there’s too many eyes on me at once my hands will shake, my face feels hot, my cheeks twitch, my voice gets shaky…I’d rather hide in my bedroom forever thank you very much, amen. 

In the minutes leading up to when I needed to speak, my heart was pounding. But then when it was time I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and told myself “I am the best public speaker there is.” 

And then I crushed it. No shaky hands, no shaky voice, no hot flashes, no twitchy muscles. Just fake confidence and total calm. 

Did I stumble on my words once or twice? Absolutely. 

Did I say “so” five too many times? You bet. 

Was it the world’s best speech? Of course not. 

The point is…What I chose to believe about me in that moment, helped me successfully get through what could have otherwise been known as “the maid of honor train wreck speech, 2nd edition, 2019.”

Almost every day I write a few specific things down. One of them being “I am positive and productive.” And ya know what? I kill it in the productivity category. I don’t even care if this comes off as conceited or braggy, I am a VERY productive 28 year old little baby adult. Every morning that I write it down I’m like “Heck yeah I am!”

But positivity….? Positivity is hard for me. And I wish so badly that it wasn’t. I wish so badly I could wake up, take a deep breath and tell myself “I am the most positive person there is” and have it magically fix me like my magical speaking ability, but it’s not always going to work that way. 

Back in February on a date, Ivo and were going back and forth asking each other questions and this one came up: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

Without missing a beat my answer was “Complete control over my own thoughts and mindset.”

You guys, I lonnnng to have a better attitude. I long to view the parts of my life that are challenging in a positive way instead of a negative way. I’m determined to get to a place where I am waking up consistently every day expecting to have a good day and falling asleep at peace and full of gratitude even on the days that don’t turn out great…Because what is the POINT of killing it, of being productive and slightly above average at adulting if I don’t have a good, positive attitude while I’m doing it all?? 

This is currently my biggest struggle. It’s a fight in my head daily and I’m going to win…but I’m not there yet..so for now until I make more progress, I’ll be clinging to Philippians 2:14 and just keep on writing. 🙂

Love,

The maid of honor train wreck speaker of 2012