Hi, I used to blog regularly like 407 million years ago.  I like writing. And a goal of mine is to do more things that I like more often..so, please enjoy my run on sentences and bad grammar below:

“Being proud of who you are is a game changer.”

I heard this the other day and I couldn’t help but start evaluating and asking, am I proud of myself?

A few of the answers I Immediately came up with:

First thought: I have a massive forehead. To be honest, I’ve known about the massivity…? Of it for a very, very long time.  Long enough that I was trying (and failing) to hide it by pulling strands of hair down in front of it whenever I had my hair up in a bun or ponytail as a kid. I think that those strands of hair were lovingly referred to as “horns” by my people, and by people I mean parents..so.

Second thought: I own my massive forehead and display it every single day at the gym, which is even more hard core than putting it on normal display in some kind of wanna be cute hairstyle because of the crazy gym hair frizz that comes with it.

First thought: I’m awkward and hard to have conversations with. I’m not kidding I will out silence you all DAY. Try me. I have zero need to speak sentences and please don’t ever try to small talk with me or make me leave a voicemail on your phone.  It doesn’t work well and my neck will most likely break out in hives. It’s a miracle I have friends.

Second thought: Yeah, maybe I am awkward, but you know what else I am when we make it past the weird uncomfortable barrier of getting to know me?  I’m funny. I recently just said that out loud for the first time but, I genuinely think it’s true and I also think it’s ok to think.

First thought: My stomach is shaped like an egg, or at least that’s what I thought until I saw the Grinch this past December and realized Oh, ok, I have a Grinch bod. That’s what that shape is. I’ve never liked it, and I’ve tried everything to make it stop sloping out toward the bottom of my abdomen, but nothing changes the shape.

Second thought: No matter what I do, my Grinch bod is probably not going to go away. And as long as I’m working hard in the gym every day, eating the right things, drinking water, and staying active, it’s ok!

First thought: I tend to think and lean toward insecurity.  Thoughts of not being good enough, worrying about how I may have come off in one of those horrible awkward conversations, fretting over upsetting literally anyone.

Second thought: It’s taken a while, but I’ve learned, and am STILL learning to silence my brain when I have insecure, bad thoughts.  Sometimes it’s something along the lines of “ugh just shut up and stop thinking about it.” And sometimes it’s straight up reminding myself that I’m not a bad person and there’s no reason for me to feel unworthy. And ya wanna know the craziest part? It’s kind of…kind of, working.

First thought: In spite of my best efforts, and thinking that maybe someday I’ll wake up and be stylish, I will probably never not dress like a 12 year old boy.

Second thought: It’s just a fact, and something that my possible future son is going to have to accept on the days we accidentally end up wearing the same hoodie.

First thought: I’m not a morning person.  Don’t look at me. Don’t speak to me. Please don’t make me move or think, I’m not about it one bit. It’s not my love language, thank you goodbye.

Second thought: Even if this is seriously still so…so very true, for three weeks in a row now, Tuesday – Friday my butt has been out of bed at 5:00am to go a CrossFit class at 5:30 in the morning.

K but, in all seriousness though, when I heard that sentence, my first thought, was about how not too long ago I was in a horrible terrible awful no good mindset.  I couldn’t even think about myself without cringing and thinking the F word, so I’d just try not to. I’d go on auto pilot, try my hardest to turn off my mind and emotions, and survive the day lifeless and numb. I wanted more than anything to be different and strong and feel like I was enough.

And then, then I thought about the past two years. I thought about how I’ve changed and grown. I’m not the same person that I have been in the past. I’ve accepted that it’s ok to be messy and make mistakes as long as you learn from them and move on. I’m learning that I can be confident and like who I am without being conceited and unkind. And I’m trying my hardest every day to just maybe be a little bit nicer to me and others than I was yesterday.

So yeah, I guess I am proud of myself. I’m proud of who I’m becoming and I only want to keep getting better and embracing every part of the process.

Love,

Did this make sense?  I’m 407 million years rusty.