Yesterday I was singing my favorite Christmas song in the kitchen as I did the dishes. “Haaaaaave yourself, a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light.”

And then I felt like crying. Let your heart be light…Let your heart be light? My heart doesn’t always feel light, and to be honest, right now it doesn’t feel light at all. 

I’ve only written on here a handful of times about the struggle I have with my brain, but lately things feel harder than they have in a long time. 

• Waking up and getting out of bed is hard
• Feeling overwhelmed at work when it’s the slowest I’ve been since July 
• Chest tightening anxiety over small things
• Clenching my jaw so hard at night that I wake up with a sore face and more holes bitten in my mouth guard
• Choking back tears for no clear reason
• Lacking the energy to do anything
• Emotionless – unexcited – blah 

These aren’t things that are foreign to me..they kind of hang around in the background until they’re center stage, stay there for a while and fade into the background again. It’s something that’s normal but gosh…it makes having a light heart hard sometimes. 

Last night when I sang that little line and immediately felt sad, I had to stop. I had to make myself think. Ok you don’t feel “good” right now, it’s not new, and it will go away, so what instead is actually good right now? What can you be thankful for through it and in-spite of it?

I have a list, do you? 

It’s a list that could go on and on. Big things, tiny things…I’m blessed and I’m loved and my life IS good, and I am grateful for all of it. My heart may not feel light tonight, but there is so much “light” in my life that makes it possible to push through hard seasons until things are easier again. 

So I guess if your heart isn’t feeling very light right now either, don’t feel alone. You are blessed and loved and your life is good. Be grateful for it and look for the light that will help you make it though. 

Love,

The kind of sometimes sad girl

Helping what? EVERYTHING. Just kidding. But lately I’ve been tryin out some things and thought maybe I’d share a couple cause maybe they could maybe help you too. Soo, here we go. 

NUMBER ONE: “Touch it once” I heard this a month or two ago in regards to dealing with your email. The idea is that if you open, click on, or read an email. Deal with it. Don’t read it and leave it for later. Do what you have to do to get it taken care of and out of your inbox WHEN you read it. If you’re reading this thinking that you don’t sit in front of a computer for 7.25 hours a day so it doesn’t apply to you, pump the brakes because it can. 

I liked this idea when I heard it and started applying it to the way I handle my emails at work, but I also began to think “How can this translate to other parts of my life where I could be more productive, where I could use some bettering?” 

Answer 1: Other work things. Occasionally I have so many different tasks or shows to flip back and forth between that I get scatterbrained. I start something and then see something else that I need to do and then immediately start working on that and then realize I didn’t finish the other thing still chillin in the background and go back to that for a few minutes before the next thing I need to do pops into my head and before I know it I have like five things I’m trying to juggle instead of just stopping…Focusing on one thing, and getting it done. If you realized that was a hectic run on sentence, it’s fine I realized too. Don’t worry about it.

Answer 2: Dishes. When I make dinner, “touch it once.” Cook, eat and enjoy my yummy food and then get the dishes done. Even if it’s the last thing I wanna do, it’ll be worth it when I don’t have to come back to em later and take up more time that I could be using to do something else. 

Answer 3: Laundry. “Touch it once.” When the dryer is done doin it’s thang, fold the damn laundry and put it away instead of it sitting in a basket in the corner of my tiny room and letting it slowly crush my soul and build into a bigger pile. 

I DO NOT have this concept down. It’s a work in progress. Do I still get distracted at work? Absolutely. Do I leave dishes in the sink longer than I would like to? Yes. Do I let my laundry sit in my room unfolded for days at a time? Yep! The point is to work on it until the better habit of “touch it once” kicks in.

NEXT up: Reducing my screen time. A couple weeks ago I felt soooo busy at work, and I just kept thinking I don’t know how I’m going to to get this done. I don’t know how I’m going to get this done. And then I started catching myself scrolling mindlessly on my phone. Which thennnn caused me to think about how much time I might be eliminating from what I could be accomplishing. 

Everyday since then I’ve been zipping it in my purse and leaving it there for as long as possible, and only pulling it out to check/ reply to text messages if I need to. 

You guys…I’m not kidding, The first couple days I got so much done I almost ran out of work to do. Now it’s like a game to me to see the lowest I can get it down to, and I check it when I get off work to see my score.

And you know what else? I feel happier. It’s amazing what limiting my time on Instagram and no longer comparing the baby I don’t have yet to the cute one in wildly stylish clothes with a mom who has flawless hair has done for my brain.

Ok LAST one: Clinique Acne Solutions. But first please just let me back up for like two seconds and tell you a little story. 

I have zits on my chin and only ever on my chin..ever, demonstrated in this breathtaking photo

It’s a thing and I was ready for it not to be a thing so I made an appointment at the dermatologist at the beginning of August to see what might be able to help. 

The Dr. prescribed me a lotion so I went to Safeway to pick it up and found out my insurance didn’t cover it.

“Ok, can you tell me the price of it?”

“It’s $600”

Um….excuse me….did I just hear her correctly? $600 for a lotion?…I’m just gonna be honest. If I’m going to pay for a lotion that costs $600, my face better glow like an effing sunrise. If I’m going to pay for a lotion that costs $600, I expect to wake up after the first application looking like Superman’s baby daughter. If I’m going to pay for a lotion that costs $600, I should probably be awarded a medal for best skin of the entire earth.

“Ok I think I’m going to pass on that one, but thank you.”

I was sulky that night, butttt I was determined to find something so I did some research, learned that Clinique has a good acne skin care line and went for it. To be totally clear, this wasn’t cheap either, but it was also not $600, and it’s working! Or…it’s helping! 

Yes, it’s true, I 100% have the worlds largest, two white head pimple chillin on my chin literally at this very moment. But you know what I don’t have? A ton of tiny little bumps just under the surface of my skin needing to be squeezed every night. Is this gross? Sorry I’ll stop but just know, I’m excited. 

Sooo anyway, these are some of the things that have been helpful to me over the past month or two. And uh….that’s all the end.

Love, 

Superman’s baby daughter sunrise medal face

On April 13th, my little sister got married. Actually let me rephrase that. On April 13th, I had to speak in front 2-300 people.

I don’t consider myself a good public speaker. And anyone who was lucky enough to witness “the maid of honor train wreck speech of 2012” at the older sister’s wedding would probably agree. In fact, honestly I don’t consider myself a good public anything. Usually if there’s too many eyes on me at once my hands will shake, my face feels hot, my cheeks twitch, my voice gets shaky…I’d rather hide in my bedroom forever thank you very much, amen. 

In the minutes leading up to when I needed to speak, my heart was pounding. But then when it was time I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and told myself “I am the best public speaker there is.” 

And then I crushed it. No shaky hands, no shaky voice, no hot flashes, no twitchy muscles. Just fake confidence and total calm. 

Did I stumble on my words once or twice? Absolutely. 

Did I say “so” five too many times? You bet. 

Was it the world’s best speech? Of course not. 

The point is…What I chose to believe about me in that moment, helped me successfully get through what could have otherwise been known as “the maid of honor train wreck speech, 2nd edition, 2019.”

Almost every day I write a few specific things down. One of them being “I am positive and productive.” And ya know what? I kill it in the productivity category. I don’t even care if this comes off as conceited or braggy, I am a VERY productive 28 year old little baby adult. Every morning that I write it down I’m like “Heck yeah I am!”

But positivity….? Positivity is hard for me. And I wish so badly that it wasn’t. I wish so badly I could wake up, take a deep breath and tell myself “I am the most positive person there is” and have it magically fix me like my magical speaking ability, but it’s not always going to work that way. 

Back in February on a date, Ivo and were going back and forth asking each other questions and this one came up: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

Without missing a beat my answer was “Complete control over my own thoughts and mindset.”

You guys, I lonnnng to have a better attitude. I long to view the parts of my life that are challenging in a positive way instead of a negative way. I’m determined to get to a place where I am waking up consistently every day expecting to have a good day and falling asleep at peace and full of gratitude even on the days that don’t turn out great…Because what is the POINT of killing it, of being productive and slightly above average at adulting if I don’t have a good, positive attitude while I’m doing it all?? 

This is currently my biggest struggle. It’s a fight in my head daily and I’m going to win…but I’m not there yet..so for now until I make more progress, I’ll be clinging to Philippians 2:14 and just keep on writing. 🙂

Love,

The maid of honor train wreck speaker of 2012

Hi,

Couple of quick things:

I bought a candle yesterday that smells like tropical baby angels.

December jumped onto my white duvet cover this morning with muddy paws for the 8 billionth time this month.  She’s now up for adoption, and my washing machine is tired.

My little sister got MARRIED last weekend.

I made a spinach and oat milk smoothie…and it was probably one of the worst tasting things I’ve put in my mouth.

Which brings me to this:

I sent Ivo this picture while he was at work like two weekends ago.  It sounded like a cute idea at the time, but a few minutes after sending I started to analyze it.

My eyebrows have gone completely rogue, my forehead is being divided in half by apparently what is the thickest vein there ever was, I’m wearing an over-sized t-shirt, my skin is the color of my duvet cover before the December mud prints, and my hair is only half dry.

Yiiikes. Is he even gonna think that’s cute? I started to think of all the ways I could do more to look better.  Ugh. I could put makeup on.  Ugh. I could dry and curl my hair. Ugh. I could put a nicer shirt on. Ugh. I could lay in a tanning bed for 18 hours. 

But you know what? It wouldn’t work if I had tried all that.

I am an over-sized t-shirt wearer. It’s what I prefer over anything else..ever. On a good day, my hair borders on barely presentable, and probably shouldn’t leave the house. My face is completely naked and makeup free 5-6 out of 7 days of the week. I get my eyebrows waxed like..maybe once every 6 months, and I’m really really…really really pale. The forehead vein I have no explanation for.  Some days it’s more prominent than others, it has a mind of it’s own. Idk.

It’s how I am. I’m just..me. Most of the time I’m cool with it. Most of the time I couldn’t care less about impressing people with my physical appearance.  But sometimes that Ugh feeling of needing to be different or needing to try harder to be a normal put-together human will creep in and I have to battle it back out of my mind.

I don’t know if everyone struggles with this same thing, maybe you do. But either way, just be you, it’s cooler like that I think.

Love,

The forehead vein

Hi, I used to blog regularly like 407 million years ago.  I like writing. And a goal of mine is to do more things that I like more often..so, please enjoy my run on sentences and bad grammar below:

“Being proud of who you are is a game changer.”

I heard this the other day and I couldn’t help but start evaluating and asking, am I proud of myself?

A few of the answers I Immediately came up with:

First thought: I have a massive forehead. To be honest, I’ve known about the massivity…? Of it for a very, very long time.  Long enough that I was trying (and failing) to hide it by pulling strands of hair down in front of it whenever I had my hair up in a bun or ponytail as a kid. I think that those strands of hair were lovingly referred to as “horns” by my people, and by people I mean parents..so.

Second thought: I own my massive forehead and display it every single day at the gym, which is even more hard core than putting it on normal display in some kind of wanna be cute hairstyle because of the crazy gym hair frizz that comes with it.

First thought: I’m awkward and hard to have conversations with. I’m not kidding I will out silence you all DAY. Try me. I have zero need to speak sentences and please don’t ever try to small talk with me or make me leave a voicemail on your phone.  It doesn’t work well and my neck will most likely break out in hives. It’s a miracle I have friends.

Second thought: Yeah, maybe I am awkward, but you know what else I am when we make it past the weird uncomfortable barrier of getting to know me?  I’m funny. I recently just said that out loud for the first time but, I genuinely think it’s true and I also think it’s ok to think.

First thought: My stomach is shaped like an egg, or at least that’s what I thought until I saw the Grinch this past December and realized Oh, ok, I have a Grinch bod. That’s what that shape is. I’ve never liked it, and I’ve tried everything to make it stop sloping out toward the bottom of my abdomen, but nothing changes the shape.

Second thought: No matter what I do, my Grinch bod is probably not going to go away. And as long as I’m working hard in the gym every day, eating the right things, drinking water, and staying active, it’s ok!

First thought: I tend to think and lean toward insecurity.  Thoughts of not being good enough, worrying about how I may have come off in one of those horrible awkward conversations, fretting over upsetting literally anyone.

Second thought: It’s taken a while, but I’ve learned, and am STILL learning to silence my brain when I have insecure, bad thoughts.  Sometimes it’s something along the lines of “ugh just shut up and stop thinking about it.” And sometimes it’s straight up reminding myself that I’m not a bad person and there’s no reason for me to feel unworthy. And ya wanna know the craziest part? It’s kind of…kind of, working.

First thought: In spite of my best efforts, and thinking that maybe someday I’ll wake up and be stylish, I will probably never not dress like a 12 year old boy.

Second thought: It’s just a fact, and something that my possible future son is going to have to accept on the days we accidentally end up wearing the same hoodie.

First thought: I’m not a morning person.  Don’t look at me. Don’t speak to me. Please don’t make me move or think, I’m not about it one bit. It’s not my love language, thank you goodbye.

Second thought: Even if this is seriously still so…so very true, for three weeks in a row now, Tuesday – Friday my butt has been out of bed at 5:00am to go a CrossFit class at 5:30 in the morning.

K but, in all seriousness though, when I heard that sentence, my first thought, was about how not too long ago I was in a horrible terrible awful no good mindset.  I couldn’t even think about myself without cringing and thinking the F word, so I’d just try not to. I’d go on auto pilot, try my hardest to turn off my mind and emotions, and survive the day lifeless and numb. I wanted more than anything to be different and strong and feel like I was enough.

And then, then I thought about the past two years. I thought about how I’ve changed and grown. I’m not the same person that I have been in the past. I’ve accepted that it’s ok to be messy and make mistakes as long as you learn from them and move on. I’m learning that I can be confident and like who I am without being conceited and unkind. And I’m trying my hardest every day to just maybe be a little bit nicer to me and others than I was yesterday.

So yeah, I guess I am proud of myself. I’m proud of who I’m becoming and I only want to keep getting better and embracing every part of the process.

Love,

Did this make sense?  I’m 407 million years rusty.  

So I have this dream for my life…that one day, I’m gonna be the kind of adult that wakes up at 5am..every morning. Go to the gym, come home, shower, put on makeup, iron a shirt or something, make breakfast and drink my coffee while I relax on the couch and read until I need to leave for work.

But instead, I’m the kind of adult that gives myself the exact amount of time I need to get out the door in the morning…assuming that nothing goes wrong. This means rolling out of bed like a slug, grabbing the first pair of jeans I see, thirty seconds of finding a work appropriate shirt, stuffing my gym bag full of random gym clothes that hardly ever match, and heading to the bathroom to evaluate what absolutely needs to be done in order to not look half dead.

After that I have the exact amount of time I need to cook an egg, make toast, pour my coffee and walk out the door. Sometimes…regularly, I’ll even sleep for five more minutes and skip the egg.

December is my teenager cat child..She is a morning person.

I am an adult human..I am not a morning person.

December knocked over my full glass of water this morning…and I didn’t have time to cook my egg.

So, longest story short, tonight my teenager cat child gets to have her first big girl sleepover with Rigatoni in the living room. We’re all very excited.

Love,

The morning routine specialist

1. I am not a glass half full OR half empty kind of person. I’m a “the water was stolen out of my glass. It’s empty dummy” kind of person. Very, very low positivity, practically eeyore all time.
2. I really really like CrossFit.
3. I’m generally, most of the time…an awkward and uncomfortable person.

• I’m clenching the hell out of my teeth to the point where chewing eggs in the morning is painful. And let me tell you, this is just so fun.
• I’m getting stress blisters on my hands. (Also a beautiful edition to the wrist brace.)
• And I feel grumpy. All the time.

1. Buy a lock. Because if you don’t, you will carry your big and bulky gym bag around with you the entire time like weirdo.
2. If you plan on swimming, bring flip flops. Because walking around in your swim suit and work out shoes is number one, not the best look, and number two, not the most ideal situation when you have to rinse off before getting in the pool.
3. Check the schedule. Because if you don’t…you might end up walking out into the pool area AFTER you already got yourself (and your shoes) wet and find that you’re face to face with a water aerobics class…and just resort to sitting awkwardly in the hot tub with two old guys, staring at the steam room wondering just how germy it is in there.

So apparently, the last time I wrote on this thing was so long ago that WordPress was like “You either suck or you’re dead so….sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” and deactivated my account. Ya’ll can chill. Everything’s fine it’s cool I just suck. 

No but really 389 years is a long time to go without blogging, I know. I don’t blame them. So basically here’s what’s happened since then. Lemme bring you up to speed on my incredibly eventful and riveting life.

I found out that being an adult actually just means doing the dishes every two seconds.

I’ve kept two of the furriest dogs in the entire world alive. It’s an accomplishment. Trust me. I can barely keep myself alive.

Little sister’s getting hitched.

I had a kitten in my house for 24 and a half hours. And in that time it pooped……everywhere…..and now I don’t have a kitten in my house anymore. 

My niece’s arm rolls have gotten out of control. Things could get lost in them and I’m ok with that. 

I discovered that I probably maybe most likely don’t ever want an animal. 

My nephew says things to me like “whatcha up to girl?” And he’s proud of the fact that he knows what his nipples are…I’m proud too. 

​

I successfully put three pieces of IKEA furniture together with my bestie…and hung things on the walls. We’re basically professional interior decorators…so. The end.

Love,

Not dead.

Oh Helloooo world! Or mom…hi mom. 

Here’s the deal. The last time I wrote on this little blog was approximately 5,000 days ago. So, lemme catch you up on the major life events you missed and are just….dying to hear about.

Number 5! I’m listening to Christmas music…And my little tree is decorated…And it’s adorable…And I’m listening to Christmas music. 

Twelve. I’ve been staying on top of my laundry lately. And by that I mean…I’ve managed to not get buried by the mountain that constantly sits in my room. 

4,569 – My eye’s been twitching for two weeks straight and there’s a massive stress blister on my wrist. Because hi, being a basket case and a half is like..what I’m best at. 

A. I went on a cruise with ma bestay. And her famlay. And got to hang out with this little dude. 

P.S. Please feel free to ignore my armpit fat. Thanks. 

A(2). While trying to zip my suitcase shut for the cruise, my finger slipped off the zipper that I was pretty much pulling on with all the strength I had…and it hasn’t been the same since. It was horrific and now I’m 100% sure I gave myself arthritis. 

25. Silver and I discovered almond milk nog…and I would probably consider it life changing. 

Six! I finished all four episodes of the new Gilmore Girls in one day because hi, binge watching tv is like….what I’m best at.

1,000 – The end. 

Love, 

Your personal time waster with…THE most exciting things. 

Oh also. I just painted my nails for the first time in my entire life without messing them up in the first thirty seconds. Y’all..this is a major life event…like a real one. Please throw confetti for me since I can’t risk messing up my nails by throwing it myself. 

Bye. 

It’s a crazy experience to watch “normal” people make their bodies do more-than-normal things. This past July I took a trip with two friends to go watch the CrossFit games in Southern California.

I loved it all, but there was this one event called the “Climbing Snail” that stood out to me more than the rest the day we were there.

The athletes had to run 600m up a flight of stairs, across the back of the stadium wall, back down a flight of stairs. Climb a rope twice, push a massive heavy barrel, climb a rope twice again, and then start over. 3 times.

There’s this guy that I was pretty excited to see compete.  He’s Australian and I really like his attitude. I wanted him to do well, but this event for him totally sucked.

I don’t know exactly which round it happened, but his hands ripped open on the first rope climb of the second set.  I know what that feels like from personal experience…and it. HURTS. It burns like crazy and trying to hold onto anything tightly right after is insane. But this guy continuously jumped onto the rope, grabbed on, and tried to climb. Again. And Again. And again…until he literally couldn’t hold on anymore, had to sit down on the mat and wait for medical assistance.  I’m pretty sure they just threw band aids on his fingers and handed him a glove.  And that’s when he had a choice.  The event was shot…he had no chance of even getting close to finishing in a good spot.  He could have stopped, but he stood up anyway…jumped onto the rope, made it all the way up, descended, and took off running.

Stuff like that gives my body chills.

Because stuff like that happens in real life.

In a way, we’re all just trying to get through the events in our lives and come out on top…or close to it at least. But we can’t win every event…it’s not realistic. You’re gonna come to the point where you hit the rope climbs. Your hands are gonna rip open and you’re gonna get hurt and defeated.  You’re gonna be stuck in one spot, trying and failing over and over again, getting exhausted with each pathetic attempt to get to the top.

And at some point…you’re just gonna have to sit your ass down and wait for the freakin glove. And maybe it feels like it’s taking forever…like time is just running out and the longer it takes the more it feels like finishing the event is going to be impossible, but it’s coming! And when it comes you have another choice: Put it on and grab hold of that damn rope with all the strength you have left, make it to the top and take off running, or give up.

..Because here’s another thing I know from experience: band aids and a glove do nothing to lessen the pain of holding on and climbing.  So yeah, continuing will hurt like hell. But it won’t hurt forever…the wounds will heal when you finish, you’ll have some time to recover, and then you’ll be heading to the next event. And who knows, it might have something you can absolutely handle. Or it might have an even harder obstacle…but either way, you’ve made it through one, so you can make it through the next one.

Everybody’s rope looks different. But everybody’s ropes are climbable. So wait for the glove…It’s coming. And then climb!

Love,

The girl who’d give you her glove if she had one

Also the girl who can’t sleep

Also goodnight