I decided on Monday that if Monterey County was issued a Shelter In Place, I would try to write or blog as much as I could.  It’s taken me since Tuesday to finish writing this sooo, the plan is going great so far.

I am a very quiet person.  I’m extremely introverted, kind of shy, and awkward.  I’m content with silence, and speaking very little. In fact, I prefer it. I could sit in the same room as you all day long and not say a word. If you do 98% of all the talking, we could probably be really good friends.

The problem though, is that I have a very, very loud mind. My brain will latch onto even the smallest things and obsess and overthink…forever. In spite of my best efforts, it inevitably loops again and again and again about the same things.

I spend a lot of time trying and learning to control my thoughts, but most of the time it just feels like they’re stuck on a ferris wheel.

Want to know something embarrassing?  One of the many different constantly looping feelings and thoughts is an irrational insecurity about myself, and my relationship. I just want to be clear, there’s no reason for it. I am loved wholly and well by Ivo.  He does nothing to cause my insecurity, but it’s there regardless.

It’s kind of pathetic, but I used to think gosh maybe it will just get better and I’ll feel differently once we get engaged.  THEN I will REALLY know FOR SURE that he loves me.  THEN I won’t think any insecure thoughts because things will be even more OFFICIAL.

Yes, I thought a ring…a metal circle would fix my deeply rooted problems.

Guess what?

It did. Yay! Confetti!

..For like 2 hours.

After the initial excitement of “Oh em gee I get to be with the person I love forever” started to wear off, the insecurities just started circling even more.  What if I keep messing up over and over until he decides it’s not worth it?  I’m just a normal person, there’s not much I have that is unique or special, I don’t bring a lot to the table. What’s gonna make him think that I’m worth being with for the rest of our lives?  What if he gets bored?  Forever is such a long time….how is he going to feel after even just ten years?

In other news, I think I’m beginning to realize that getting married is an extremely vulnerable thing to do.

Two weeks ago on my way to the gym, I was thinking about my brother and how he’s doing.  He’s been gone this year in a program at Hume Lake Christian Camp where he works, takes classes and goes on a bunch of different mission trips.

From thinking of Matt, I started to think about all the trips I took to Mexico as a teenager  each Summer, all the mouth watering authentic tacos with the fat smear of the best guacamole, and then a verse popped into my head.

First of all, I just want to say I that I have like….three bible verses memorized.  Tops. Honestly three might be pushing it, but this one is burned into my brain.  It was our theme verse one year and I’m not sure why, but for some reason I was hell bent on memorizing it. I repeated it over and over and over again, until I NAILED it! And now I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. – Zephaniah 3:17

I thought about that verse for a few minutes..the different proclamations that are made, and then I moved on and went to the gym.

Hours later, I decided to watch a sermon online about relationships. Like five minutes until the end, the last point the speaker made was by reading that SAME VERSE. ON THE SAME DAY IT POPPED INTO MY HEAD…granted his point of using the verse was different than how I had been thinking about it but STILL!

I thought about it again.

Wanna know what I thought?  ok ok fine, here it is.

In my chaos and overthinking and insecurities and the never ending ferris wheel that I can’t escape, I desperately…desperately want to be quieted with love.  I want my brain to be QUIET.  But I mean, don’t we all, at least a little bit?

I know and realize that not everyone has loud, obsessive, looping minds. But even if you aren’t exactly like me, I think everyone has maybe one, tiny, small area of their life they feel insecure about and have thought about more than once.

Wouldn’t it just be nice to chill out, sit down and relax in the knowledge that you’re loved..deeply and unconditionally and in a way that will never ever feel threatened by boredom, bad moods, or mistakes? Ugh I want it.

Since that Wednesday I’ve been asking daily. Hourly.

“God please quiet my mind with your love…”

“God please quiet my mind with your love…”

“God please quiet my mind with your love…”

“God please quiet my mind with your love…”

Here’s what I’m realizing though..I already have the kind of quieting love I’m asking for.  I know without a doubt that I am loved, deeply and unconditionally. Not only by Jesus but by people here around me that demonstrate it often. I think, as weird as it sounds, maybe where I’m missing that quieting kind of love the most is from myself.

It’s very hard for me to be a fan of me.  I’ve just barely began to shift into the space of liking who I am and who I’m becoming in last year and a half or so. But even still, that space feels weird and like I shouldn’t be there.  It feels wrong or cocky to be proud of myself and any progress I’ve made. It’s an uphill battle. It’s a two steps forward one step back kind of deal. It’s learning to be patient with the slow pace of growing and learning to love the person I am.

Gag.  Even just typing “love the person I am” makes me cringe.

So I guess, maybe being quieted with love this week looks like whispering daily. Hourly.

“You’re doing great…”

“You look pretty today…”

“You’re smart…”

“You’re strong…”

I think if I can somehow get those quiet whispers to begin looping, maybe mayyybe the other louder ones will begin to fade.

Love,

Ferris wheel brain