I run a lot, like 270.7 miles in less than a year a lot. I mean actually who knows if it’s a lot or not, I’m sure there are plenty of people who run those kinds of miles in a matter of months..but to me it’s a lot.

In the past year running has become kind of like a mix between church, a challenge, and a re-charging type of deal. I pray when I run. I think about and work through a lot of things. I push myself to run harder and faster. And my brain usually feels better after I finish.

More often lately, I’ve been playing worship music in my headphones while I’m running. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still plenty of days when it’s Eminem and G-Eazy blasting my ear drums, but on December 30th it was worship.

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Years ago, I heard someone sing a song that I felt like I could’ve written.

“When the pieces seem too shattered
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel You anymore
No I don’t feel You anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go…”

There have been times where the pieces have seemed too shattered. There have been times where fear and hate have been the overwhelming emotions drowning the good. There have been times where I have felt like I needed a reason to sing.

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At the end of the year on mile 5ish of an 8 mile run, this song had come through my headphones and a lump had formed in my throat. God I just feel broken sometimes. There’s something wrong with me, but can’t you still use me somehow?

I don’t know if I did it to myself, I don’t know if it was the actions of others, random circumstances or nothing at all, but somewhere in my 29 years I have become what feels like a mess that is too overwhelming to sweep up.

I think a lot of people are broken. In fact, I don’t think anyone makes it through life unscathed. In double fact, I think many people have “it” way worse than me. My life is good. My family and loved ones are safe and healthy. I am in love and get to marry the most incredible human on the planet. I am surrounded by great people and great circumstances every day. And I am grateful for every single bit of it. Nothing horrible has happened to me and that is my biggest struggle. I have so…so so many reasons to sing.

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I struggle with feeling guilty…for feeling sad…for no reason. It’s caused me to belittle myself. To say and feel things about me that shouldn’t and wouldn’t ever be said out loud if I were talking to another person. It’s scary how easily and quickly our brains will accept what we tell them. It’s like a massive deep root has spread in there.

A few weeks ago I sat in church and leaked tears. There was this question asked: What enemies are you in the presence of, in your life?

But my question is: What do you do when your enemy is your own mind? I want to do better, to be better, to change my mindset so badly. And I’m far too impatient with my progress of uprooting the bad.

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Recently I found out shoveling was bad for my back. The act of filling a shovel with dirt and twisting with something heavy in my hands to dump off to the side could make an existing physical issue worse.

This morning while on a run, I started to think that maybe shoveling is also bad for my soul. Maybe, instead of trying so hard to dig up the root on my own and getting mad at myself when I don’t succeed, I need to hand Jesus the shovel and sit back while he does the digging. Maybe I need to lean into and fully accept the grace, the healing and the filling truth that I am loved and worthy and whole exactly as I am.

So I guess that’s the game plan. To rest. Except I’m bad at resting…so I guess the real game plan is to hand over the shovel no matter how reluctantly, again and again until I’m cool with someone else doing all the work.

Love,

The girl with so many reasons to sing