Yesterday I was singing my favorite Christmas song in the kitchen as I did the dishes. “Haaaaaave yourself, a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light.”

And then I felt like crying. Let your heart be light…Let your heart be light? My heart doesn’t always feel light, and to be honest, right now it doesn’t feel light at all. 

I’ve only written on here a handful of times about the struggle I have with my brain, but lately things feel harder than they have in a long time. 

• Waking up and getting out of bed is hard
• Feeling overwhelmed at work when it’s the slowest I’ve been since July 
• Chest tightening anxiety over small things
• Clenching my jaw so hard at night that I wake up with a sore face and more holes bitten in my mouth guard
• Choking back tears for no clear reason
• Lacking the energy to do anything
• Emotionless – unexcited – blah 

These aren’t things that are foreign to me..they kind of hang around in the background until they’re center stage, stay there for a while and fade into the background again. It’s something that’s normal but gosh…it makes having a light heart hard sometimes. 

Last night when I sang that little line and immediately felt sad, I had to stop. I had to make myself think. Ok you don’t feel “good” right now, it’s not new, and it will go away, so what instead is actually good right now? What can you be thankful for through it and in-spite of it?

I have a list, do you? 

It’s a list that could go on and on. Big things, tiny things…I’m blessed and I’m loved and my life IS good, and I am grateful for all of it. My heart may not feel light tonight, but there is so much “light” in my life that makes it possible to push through hard seasons until things are easier again. 

So I guess if your heart isn’t feeling very light right now either, don’t feel alone. You are blessed and loved and your life is good. Be grateful for it and look for the light that will help you make it though. 

Love,

The kind of sometimes sad girl