Guess what I did today.
No. You’re wrong. I’ll just tell you.
I slept through my alarm.
Wait, hang on. What I really mean is…

I slept through all five of my alarms.
At this point, I’m not sure if I’m just talented, or if I have a problem.
I’ll get back to you on this matter.

Guess what else I did today.
No. Again, horrible guess. I’ll just tell you.
Since I was running so late, after pouring almond milk and sweetener into my coffee, I decided that just screwing the lid on right away and shaking the travel mug would be much quicker than stirring it and putting my spoon into the dishwasher.

…I would maybe advise everyone not to ever go this route. Just stir the stupid coffee and put the spoon in the dishwasher.
Better yet. Stop drinking coffee altogether. Huge time saver.
Hello Monday!

Oh my goodness. Anyway, today is not about Monday. Today is about what happened over the weekend…in the form of a list.

45. Becca turned 21! And we partieeeed Hard. Not really. But a few of us did go out to a couple places on Friday night to celebrate. And “literallyyy, it was. So fun.”

2. I made ribbon bats and decorated the porch with my mom for Halloween.
Guess what ribbon bats are.
Yes, you’re right. They are bats made from pieces of black ribbon.
Wanna know how I made them? No? Oh well it’s my blog, so I win.

First, buy some 1.5 inch black ribbon and cut it up. I have no idea how long my pieces were. I’d say probably like 9-12 inches. I made them different sizes, but for sure no shorter than 8…or 9. Again, I didn’t measure.

So then tie em in a knot. But DON’T tie them too tight! I mean obviously you don’t want them to come apart, but you also wanna leave them loose enough for them to look like they’ve got little bodies.
..I wish I had a little body.
Moving on!

Next, get interrupted by your rude and adorable and irresistible cat.

And then! Grab some white paint and put two dots on the knot part. And BAM! Ladies and gentlemen, we have eyes.

All you gotta do after that is hot glue some string to the ribbon bats, and hang them all cute like on your porch.

My mom and I also wrapped some orange lights on our railing and I think it turned out pretty good.

c. My family and I face painted at our church’s fall carnival. Watching all the little kids smile at some of the great and…not so great end results of cupcakes, dolphins, batman logos, and unicorns on their faces was so fun. And I just have to say that my favorite one was the kid who asked me to put exactly 3 freckles on each cheek. I could do that one well.

389. My Grandma and Grandpa came down from Sacramento on Sunday so we could all celebrate her birthday. I love when my family is altogether. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings, baby NEPHEWS. Oh, It felt like a holiday and I just CAN’T WAIT until Thanksgiving!

Love,

Is it Friday yet?

Previously on the Walking Dead…

Candace did 100 push-ups

Rolled her hamstrings with a vodka bottle

Took a Benedryl to help her sleep at 11:00 P.M.

And this morning she was so tired that her eyes leaked, her shoulders were so sore that she moved her arms as little as possible and grunted often from the pain.  She limped slightly due to the tight hamstrings, and the dark circles under her eyes were alarming. People fled…and then she started referring to herself in third person.

But other than that, this little conversation was definitely a bright spot in my day.

So was finding this in my mom’s basket by her bed.

Mom of the year, everyone.

Also, I have a very important question.

Am I the only one who gets random evil eyebrows?

Please feel free to weigh in on this one.

Now! On to what I know you’ve all been waiting for, biting your nails in anticipation over, and why you’ve been anxiously checking your news feeds all day

Hah…

Ha ha…

Oh and um, just for the record.  My mom of the year informed me to make this blog post sweet. To which I responded “I’m not sure there’s a sweet bone in my body.” I can assure you that there are plenty of introverted snarky middle child bones though. So, we’ll see how this goes.

CONNOR WAYNE MASSINGALE.

Born at 1:52 AM

6 pounds 6 ounces

19.5 inches.

First of all, Nine…teen inches.

Let me re-phrase. Almost two feet.

Wow.

A couple months before Connor was born, Amanda asked me to be her birth photographer.

To say I was hesitant is an understatement.

Not really because I’m squeamish about that kind of stuff, because I’m not. I’ve seen birthing videos in a human sexuality class, and it was fine. I was really only nervous because in that situation, I’m not sure I would like someone photographing me.

In fact I definitely admire my sister for staying calm while so many people were in the room. I would have liked to die with so many people looking at me in that situation. But she handled it like she didn’t even care.

Amanda pushed for about 50 minutes and at first I had resolved to stay by her head. But somehow I ended up elsewhere. With the nurse encouraging us to look at the little baby’s head, I just couldn’t resist.

There’s nothing cooler and more miraculous than watching a baby come into the world. But I mean, I’ve also seen prettier things.

Even with his little smushed head I could tell my nephew was going to be beautiful. And he SO is.

The love that we all have for this baby is incredible and none of us can get enough of him.

Amanda and James are already awesome parents and it doesn’t even seem like this is her first child. She’s got things totally under control.

Watching my mom burp him is probably the cutest thing ever.

But so are his grunts and squeaks.

And his chin and cheeks.

That rhymed.

I don’t write poetry…don’t get any ideas.

Anyway, here’s a few photos of my favorite nephew.

Connor Wayne

My mom of the year is obsessed.

So is my Dad of the year.

I was able to take some amazing photos of this little dude last Saturday, but I’m still editing them AND I want Amanda and James to see them before the rest of the world.  I’ll post them sometime soon though!

love,

The middle child who tried to write sweetly..?

Oh my goodness it’s Monday night.

Wait, wait. Let me rephrase…Oh my goodness I lived through Monday.

Did you? Hope so.

K, now that we’ve established that I care if you live or die through your Monday, let’s get down to business.

…to defeat the Huns.

Sorry.

Or just to talk about the fact that hello, I’m officially an Aunt.

Technically, I’ve been an aunt since February, yes…but it didn’t feel official until my little nephew popped into the world last Monday.

BUT! Stop, chill out. Because I’m not going to talk about this…on this blog post.

I’m not gonna mention how cute his chin is.

Or how we all melt when he smiles in his sleep.

I’m also not even going to start about the noises and grunts that he makes.

Or how much I can’t stop looking at pictures of him.

No…I’m not gonna talk about any of it until Wednesday…so uh, stay tuned. I merely just wanted to let the world know that there’s now a baby in my life…and I’m loving it.

So let’s move on.

I am now a newbie crossfitter. And that’s totally a lie because I am nowhere near being a crosfitter. I’m basically just working out at a crossfit gym with my best Friend Silver and trying not to die while lifting ten pounds when everyone else around me is lifting thousands of pounds.

But it’s cool cause I feel totally hard core with my one pound weights and sweat pouring off my body. That’s also totally a lie, they’re two and half pounds.

Anyway, there’s a point to this.

In the past two weeks, there’s definitely been work outs where I’ve thought. Okay, I’d rather be at home eating an Oreo and hiding under my covers.

But I haven’t completely felt like I was going to die.

That all changed today.

One word: Burpees.

They might be the hardest thing ever. And that might be an exaggeration.

But they aren’t fun. Ask anyone.  No one will tell you that they do them for fun.  And if they do happen to say “Yes, I think Burpees are fun and I do them as an extracurricular activity in my spare time.” Go ahead and chant back “Liar, Liar pants on fire.” Because it’s the mature response to such a ridiculous lie.

People, listen.  This is how serious I am. I think that I hate Burpees more than I hate bananas. And I hate…bananas. Like seriously as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes.

On my list of other things to talk about tonight…

How cool JJ Watt is. I would like to be his friend and maybe let him bench press me. I don’t know, we’ll see, maybe curl me if he’d rather work his biceps. Or jump completely over me without getting a running start, cause he can.

Hm, what else? Oh, I know.  I finally finished a TV show that I’ve been binge watching. It’s called Damages and I enjoyed it.

I should be paid to write television reviews, don’t you think?

I’m pretty sure that’s all I have to say.

Love,

The Burpee hater.

Ok, I know it’s Wednesday.

Yesterday, however, was Tuesday. And yesterday, was interesting.

Here’s why…in the form of a list.

7.  I’ve been driving my Mom’s car to work this past week to give my 11 month old a break on its mileage. So, that means she’s been driving my baby car to work, while I’ve been driving her not…baby car.

20.  In the past week since driving her car, I’ve discovered there’s some differences between the two. For example:

Her car is slightly smaller than a school bus.

My car is slightly larger than a Fiat.

Her car makes me feel like I could crush other cars.

My car makes me feel like I could be crushed by other cars.

In her car, I don’t know how to turn her back windshield wiper off when I accidentally turn it on.

In my car, I don’t have a back windshield wiper.

And most importantly…

Her car has cup holders to accommodate oh…I don’t know, abnormally small cups.

My car has normal cup holders for normal sized beverages.

Which brings me to…

3.  Yesterday, Tuesday October 7^th, I turned a corner and my full cup of water couldn’t hang. Please hear me clearly. This was not a normal sized cup. This was not even a large cup. I grabbed the biggest drinking cup that I could find in our home on Tuesday morning, (which happened to be one of the ones that you can get at a movie theater because then you get the free refills), filled it to the brim, and thought yeah, that’s a really good idea. It’ll keep me hydrated for a few hours.

…Do you know what Mavericks is?

Do you know that it is in fact possible to experience the waves from Mavericks inside a vehicle traveling at 30 miles per hour?

I’m not kidding, the sound of my entire glass of water dumping on to me and the floor of the car sounded like an 80 foot wave crashing on to the shore of a beach.

All I could do was just sit there in shock and keep driving.

How did your Tuesday morning start out?

45. After work, I went to a gym with my best friend Silver and worked out.

110 lunges later, I almost fell down my stairs.

1.  On Tuesday October 7^th, I found out I’m not in great shape.

284.  On Tuesday October 7^th, I also made my own coffee creamer.

This is something that I’ve been wanting to do for a while now. Not really because it’s cheaper, cause if I’m being honest, I’m not totally sure that it is. I’d have to look that up.  But I mainly wanted to do it because it is a little healthier, and super yummy.

So, I thought…maybe…if any of you were interested in doing it too, I’d tell you how!

It’s probably the easiest thing ever.

First, you need:

Milk – I used fat free. You can use whatever your heart desires.

Sweetened condensed milk – two cans.

Torani Syrup – any flavor.  But maybe not any flavor…cause banana coffee creamer sounds like the worst idea on earth.  And I don’t even know if Torani makes banana syrup…let’s all hope not.

And an adorable jug. Or any ugly one. Basically you just need a jug.

That’s all.

Ok so all you have to do once you have the ingredients, is mix them together.

I dumped two cans of the sweetened condensed milk into a bowl first.

Then I added two cups of milk.

Please excuse our measuring cups…they get used.

So it’s equal parts.

If you have a small jug, use one can and one cup of milk. I started with these measurements and it only filled my jug halfway, so I did more.

THEN comes the fun part…the flavoring. Use 1/3 cup of whatever syrup you like…and then add 2 tablespoons.

IF you have a bigger jug like I had, do the 1/3 and 2 tablespoons twice. So that would be 2/3 and 4 tablespoons.

We cool?  You good? K, let’s move on.

Whisk it and poor it in your jug and then taste it and try to stop. I dare you. It’s so sweet and so good.

I chose pumpkin this time because hello, it’s fall.

Next time I’m going to do peppermint because um…because, well…excuse me I’m just too excited. I need to get control….ok. Because it’s almost CHRISTMAS TIME.

The end.

Happy Thursday Eve.

Yesterday, I wore this to church. In other words, yesterday I “accessorized.” In other words, yesterday my Mom won.

Over a week ago I got back from a trip to Sacramento…and my suit case is still sitting in my room with exactly three clothing items inside. In other words, I hate packing AND unpacking. In other words, I’m never going on another trip again.

Except for a cruise in November…

And Disneyland in December…

But packing and unpacking is just so, so, hard.

Feel bad for me please.

Thank you.

This is how I set my alarm in the morning. In other words, I’m not a morning person…In other words, I’m not a morning person.

When I was in my room the other night, I happened to look down at my floor, and this is what I saw.

In other words, shoes. Everywhere. In other words, apparently it’s too difficult to put them in my closet. In other words, I have issues.

Love,

Candace

September was um, kind of busy. But! Becca and I got to go down to LA to see One Direction with some friends and it was super fun, and super amazing, and super, super, super, exhausting. Hi. Kanker sores, like five of them, and actually we can just remove the “like” because there were legitimately five of them. Also I was sick, and lost my voice which was believe it or not, not due to screaming at the concert. Long story short, we got back Sunday and all in all it took me until about Friday to feel like I was alive again. Does this mean I’m too old to go see a boy band in concert?

Don’t answer that.

How many commas were misused in the last paragraph?

Don’t answer that either.

Here’s a picture that I made Becca take right before it started…because I’m a mom.

Also along the lines of concerts…and being exhausted. I lost my mind on the Saturday after the concert from being awake until 3:30 AM and then getting out of bed the next morning at 8:30 and I got giggly…That’s a lie. I laughed until I spit water all over the dash of my baby car. It was definitely one of my finer moments in life, for sure. I’m not kidding.  It was everywhere, including my passengers.

….It happened again this morning on the way to work.  NOT because I was tired, but because I choked, on my coffee. So yes, it spewed, everywhere.  I’m probably the coolest. And while we’re on the subject of coffee…

Lately I’ve been putting Maple Syrup in my coffee. Yeah, I know…best idea ever. And hold on a second because if you have the bottle shaped like an old woman in your mind right now, you’re on the wrong track. I’m talking pure maple syrup. Its…incredible, especially for me because drinking black coffee is not my love language. Try it.

And finally, I know I’m late to the party on this one but can we please just give Fall a round of applause because uh, it’s here. I’m talking legitimately, on the calendar and everything, here. AND on top of that?? It rained on the first day! I mean come on!

When I found out it was raining, I immediately put on sweats, made tea and climbed in bed to read.  Just kidding, I was already wearing the sweats. Who do you think I am?

So, here’s a picture of me, and my tea cup, in my sweats, in my bed, by my open window so I could hear the rain. Oh, and my forehead zit, dark circles under my eyes, and my creepy claw hand also made a special appearance just for the occasion, can’t leave them out.

You’re welcome.

Bye September!